At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
