How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
