I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
