Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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