it wasn't lemon gatorade
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
