wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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