too bad you live with your parents still
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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