I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
