you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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