I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
