checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He better not be in your backpack
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
