Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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