DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
