so explain again why im purple
no
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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