why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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