I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
