I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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