hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
