he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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