She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
