I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
