I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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