We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
