Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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