I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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