Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize