mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you still have your period?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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