The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
