Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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