I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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