Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
