the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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