woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
