I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
