We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
