i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Randomize
