We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
