My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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