I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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