i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
