oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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