I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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