You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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