my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize