I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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