I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tonight lets celebrate not being married
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
