oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
