The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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