Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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