why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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