My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
