My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
