his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
