can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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