OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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