fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
