i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
