Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
