are you still at the devil's house?
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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