he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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