"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize